Fear: When a 'sexy idea' becomes reality
[This post was written in early December 2015 – Ed]
TWO days ago the Dice Travels were a long way off. It was an idea resting at a safe distance that had no bearing on reality and didn’t need immediate attention.
“How’s the planning for your trip coming? It’s only a couple of months away now, right?” asked a good friend, who is a high-stakes poker player that is considering meeting up with me at some point on the journey.
The trip was five months away.
That’s it. In just five months, everything goes and I’m alone on the road again. His question thundered like a storm that was suddenly overhead, one that had seemed to be forever lingering on the horizon.
I am afraid. It is strange.
The entire thing up to this point seemed like a semi-sexy mix of reckless abandon and deep intellect – perfect for conversations. Now, it seems much more like simple recklessness.
The plan though, back to the plan. Well, the website, which one can only seem you dear reader are reading this on, is in a shambles. I am incompetent at WordPress [notice I ended up using Wix – Ed] and overworked at the office; it will be a wonder if you in fact are reading this at all. Currently, there is no plan. There is no driver’s licence, no health insurance, no motorbike insurance, no adventure bike – I’m still riding a CBR250 – no visas, no extra pages for the passport and no real savings to speak of.
However, there is an enormously interesting community of people that I care deeply about; there is a routine that involves weekly rock climbing trips to extraordinary outcroppings of limestone that seem to simply stretch up out of the ocean; there is a job that I am deeply devoted to; there is a roof-top flat with an enormous swimming pool; there is a well-stocked liquor shelf; there is a home – a home with all the facets that make a place home.
But the plan, as well thought out as it is at this point, is to leave all this, which entails, in many ways, leaving my identity as the Managing Editor of the Phuket Gazette and member of the Phuket community. Leaving my ability to promote good causes and shine light on real issues affecting a unique and fascinating 543 square kilometers of Earth. Leave all of this on a roll of a die, because some half-baked notion of adventure is screaming at me to move forward, despite my whimpering.
Do I trust the dice? No. Do I trust my own judgment. No. Do I think what I am doing is best way forward. No. Am I sure? Absolutely, not. But am I going forward with it? Yes.